The Present Parent Handbook by Timothy Dukes

Author:Timothy Dukes
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Familius
Published: 2017-03-20T00:00:00+00:00

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Listen and Learn to Let Go

Much of who I am today as a parent is rooted in my simple intention to listen, and I believe that so much of who my son has become emerges in his repeated discovery of himself in my presence. This discovery takes place in his thoughts, as he understands that I understand him. This discovery unfolds in his physical body, as he experiences the feelings of being bathed as an infant, wrestled with as a toddler, and embraced after winning his cross-country meet. This discovery brings clarity to his felt sense of belonging as he sees me recognize his contribution to our family in small and sometimes very large ways. By paying careful attention and putting myself aside, I learn how to lose my small needs in the moments that we are together and embrace the impact of his presence. I learn to let go, listen, and love in my own way in order to be present with him.

There are other opportunities to let go. Many of these are simply there to test your resolve or your boundaries. The only time to let go is when your child absolutely wants or needs you to. Letting go when you want to avoid feeling something difficult is not one of those times. Staying with your child in every moment and making the necessary adjustments to maintain the right amount of space is fine. Letting go because you have reached some imagined limit is not. If your child pushes you across the line, move the line and give yourself more space to stay with it.

Our internal world of thoughts, feelings, and memories can predetermine our ability to listen to what is actually being communicated. When we listen fully, there is very little separation between what we perceive as our internal world and that which is outside of us. At its roots, communication means to “make common.” If our child communicates happiness and we fully listen, we have made common our willingness to receive that happiness. If our child communicates anger, we have indicated through our listening our willingness to share that anger. Through letting go and listening, we are able to fully participate in the narrative of our child’s life.

How many interruptions have you already had simply trying to read this book? There is a comedic irony in focusing on a book about being a present parent and being simultaneously pulled away from the pages because of a million external factors.

As parents, it is up to us to listen, remain aware, and fine-tune our focus, concentration, and energy in relation to our children. We can’t always rely on our partners to help. We won’t always be around to know what pieces are at play. In any given moment, it is our responsibility to be mindful and sensitive to our children’s ever-developing narrative with increasingly complex plotlines. It makes sense, then, to participate in the stories that they live.

Developing the art of listening is one way to be present.

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